Managing Conflict: Five Strategies for Resilience

Conflict is woven into the fabric of our everyday lives. From disagreements over chores at home to differing viewpoints at work, it’s almost impossible to avoid times when what we want or believe clashes with someone else’s perspective. Yet many of us shy away from conflict, fearing that tension will harm our relationships or expose us to criticism. Paradoxically, consistently avoiding conflict can backfire: misunderstandings fester, frustration builds, and unspoken concerns can create distance.

The good news is that handling conflict well isn’t about having a certain personality or “always being calm.” It’s a learnable skill that involves retraining the way we think, breathe, and respond—something neuroscience confirms we can do by forging new pathways in the brain. Below, you’ll find five strategies that are not just abstract theories, but grounded in science and clinical practice. Each principle will help you approach conflict with more confidence, self-awareness, and ultimately, resilience. You’ll also see a short “call to action” after each skill, so you can begin putting these ideas into practice in your daily life.

1. Reframe Conflict with the Bigger, Better Offer (BBO)

Key Idea: Recognize that engaging in conflict can offer long-term rewards, rather than simply short-term relief by avoiding it.

Why It Matters

A lot of us dodge disagreements to sidestep immediate discomfort. But if you see conflict only as negative, your brain will naturally categorize it as something to avoid. Psychologist and psychiatrist Dr. Judson Brewer (2017) uses the concept of the “Bigger, Better Offer” (BBO) to suggest that we should consciously highlight the benefits of leaning into conflict: clearer communication, deeper trust, mutual respect, and sometimes a solution to a lingering problem. By doing this, you effectively give your brain a more compelling reward than the temporary comfort of avoidance.

From a neuroscience perspective, our brains are wired to seek pleasant outcomes and avoid pain. When you label conflict as an opportunity rather than just a threat, you shift the internal cost-benefit analysis. You start to see the positive outcomes that can come from having a tough conversation—like a stronger bond or a more effective team. Over time, the anxious reflex to steer clear of conflict may lessen because your mind recognizes these future benefits as worthwhile.

Try It: Call to Action

1. Identify a small but nagging issue: Think of a minor conflict or area of tension you’ve been putting off—maybe a friend’s habit that bothers you or a small boundary you’d like to set at work.
2. Focus on possible rewards: Write down three positive outcomes you could gain by addressing this issue. For example, “We’ll be on the same page,” or “I’ll feel more respected.”
3. Plan a respectful conversation: Approach the other person with your goal in mind. Acknowledge any discomfort but remind yourself of those positive possibilities as the “Bigger, Better Offer” that makes the risk worthwhile.

2. Train Your Brain to Stay Calm

Key Idea: Use techniques like cyclic sighing to soothe your stress response, enabling clearer thinking during disagreements.

Why It Matters

Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, “I can’t believe I said that…”? In moments of conflict, the body’s fight-or-flight response—fueled by stress hormones like cortisol—can overshadow our logical thinking. This happens because the amygdala (the brain’s “alarm system”) takes control, while parts of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning and empathy) temporarily power down (Huberman et al., 2021).

A proven way to bring your body back into balance is through cyclic sighing, also called the physiological sigh. This technique involves taking a deep breath in through the nose, a short additional sip of air, and then a slow, controlled exhale through the mouth (Huberman et al., 2021). Research shows that just a few rounds of this breathing can lower your heart rate and help your nervous system shift into a calmer state (Porges, 2011). Once you calm your physiology, you’re better able to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

Try It: Call to Action

1. Practice a 2-minute breathing break: At some point today—maybe during a work break or right before bed—sit quietly, close your eyes, and do 10 cycles of the physiological sigh (inhale, short inhale, slow exhale).
2. Integrate into conflict moments: The next time you feel anger or panic rising during a disagreement, pause the conversation if possible. Take a few cyclic sighs before continuing.
3. Track your changes: Notice if your physical tension eases or your thoughts become clearer. Over time, this quick technique can become second nature.

3. Use Exposure and Response Prevention to Build Distress Tolerance

Key Idea: Stay with the discomfort of conflict instead of reacting or escaping, thereby weakening old habits and strengthening new ones.

Why It Matters

One of the core concepts in cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety and OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) (Foa & Kozak, 1986). Although it’s generally used to treat clinical conditions, the logic applies broadly: to change an unwanted habit or reaction, you have to encounter the trigger (exposure) and then avoid responding in the usual, reflexive way (response prevention).

In conflict, the trigger might be feeling criticized or sensing an argument brewing. The reflexive response could be lashing out or shutting down. By staying in the conversation—even when it feels uncomfortable—and deliberately choosing a calmer response, you teach your brain that you can handle the tension without resorting to fight, flight, or freeze. Over repeated exposures, these anxious or angry reflexes can diminish.

Try It: Call to Action

1. Spot a Trigger: The next time you’re in a disagreement, notice the moment you usually want to snap or walk away.
2. Pause: Take a slow breath (or try cyclic sighing) and mentally say, “I can handle this. I don’t have to do what I’ve always done.”
3. Choose One Small Change: Maybe you stay present and listen for 30 seconds longer than usual, or you respond with a question instead of a heated remark. Even small changes weaken the link between the trigger and your old habit.
4. Reflect Afterwards: Ask yourself how it felt to resist your usual reaction. This helps reinforce awareness and encourages your brain to keep forging new pathways.

4. Tune In to Your Body’s Warning Signals

Key Idea: Use physical cues (racing heart, tense muscles) as early alerts that you’re becoming distressed, allowing you to respond before conflict escalates.

Why It Matters

Our bodies are often more honest indicators of our emotional state than our conscious thoughts. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio famously showed that physical sensations and emotional states are deeply intertwined (Craig, 2002). When you feel your stomach clench, your fists tighten, or your jaw lock, that’s your nervous system hinting that you’re in a defensive or threatened mode. Recognizing these signs early can help you intervene—before your stress or anger takes full control.

Awareness of these bodily signals (known as interoception) is a skill that can be developed. According to Siegel (2011), simply naming your sensations can activate the more logical parts of your brain, reducing the intensity of emotional overwhelm. A body-based approach to conflict resolution encourages you to check in physically, not just mentally, throughout a tough conversation.

Try It: Call to Action

1. Body Scan Practice: Right now—or after you finish reading—close your eyes for 30 seconds and mentally scan from your head down to your toes. Note any areas of tension or discomfort.
2. In-the-Moment Check: When you’re in a conflict, do a quick mental sweep: Is my heart racing? Are my shoulders raised? Acknowledge it silently, e.g., “I’m feeling tension in my neck.”
3. Micro-Release: If you find tension, consciously relax that muscle group (shake out your hands, roll your shoulders). Pair this with a slow exhale. Notice if it tempers your emotional intensity.
4. Share If Appropriate: Telling the other person, “I’m feeling a bit tense right now,” can signal that you need a moment to collect yourself—often preventing misunderstandings or escalation.

5. Practice Micro-Exposures to Discomfort

Key Idea: Strengthen your “conflict muscles” by starting with low-stakes disagreements or setting small boundaries, gradually building resilience for bigger challenges.

Why It Matters

The notion of stress inoculation (Meichenbaum, 2007) suggests that exposing ourselves to manageable levels of stress helps us develop coping mechanisms. If we only practice conflict resolution when stakes are sky-high, we might feel too overwhelmed to implement new techniques. Instead, seeking out (or not avoiding) small, everyday disagreements lets you refine your skills in a less pressured environment.

Over time, this approach rewires your brain, making conflict seem less like a catastrophic threat and more like a solvable puzzle. It also reduces the element of surprise when larger conflicts arise, because you’ve consistently built up your skill set. Even renowned relationship expert John Gottman has pointed out that small negative interactions—when handled skillfully—can enhance understanding and bond partners more deeply (Gottman & Silver, 1999). The key is to see minor conflicts as valuable practice grounds.

Try It: Call to Action

1. Pick a Small Challenge: Identify a minor friction point, like choosing a takeout restaurant, a slight disagreement on scheduling, or a mild annoyance with a friend or colleague.
2. Set a Practice Goal: Decide one or two conflict-resolution techniques you want to try in this interaction (e.g., using calm breathing, listening fully before responding).
3. Engage Assertively: If you usually yield right away, take a stand. If you usually bulldoze, try listening. Keep the stakes low, but focus on practicing a new approach.
4. Reflect and Celebrate: After the interaction, notice what went well or what you could do differently next time. Celebrate any moment you handled differently than you normally would.

Bringing It All Together

Conflict itself isn’t the real enemy—it’s often our fear of conflict that leads to harmful reactions or avoidance. When approached with patience and the right tools, conflict can be a path to deeper self-understanding, stronger relationships, and innovative problem-solving. That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Our brains, shaped by past experiences and wired for survival, can push us to react quickly or defensively when tensions flare. Yet the strategies outlined here—reframing conflict (BBO), calming your stress response, applying a mini version of ERP, listening to your body, and practicing in low-stakes situations—empower you to meet disagreement more gracefully.

Each of these techniques takes time to master, and you might slip back into old habits now and then. That’s normal. Every conflict offers a fresh chance to practice—whether it’s a tense meeting at work or a disagreement about housework with your partner. If you choose just one of the five strategies to focus on this week, you’ll already be forging new neural pathways that make resilience a little more accessible next time. Over weeks and months, these small changes accumulate, transforming how you view and navigate conflict in all areas of your life.

Final Call to Action

• Choose One Skill This Week: Look at the five strategies and pick the one that resonates most with you. Maybe you want to try the Bigger, Better Offer reframe, or perhaps practicing micro-exposures feels more doable.
• Commit to Daily Practice: Every day, remind yourself of your chosen skill. Look for small opportunities to put it to use—like a brief conversation where your viewpoint differs from someone else’s.
• Track Your Progress: At the end of the week, jot down any shifts you noticed in how you felt or how others responded. Did something change in your mindset or your willingness to speak up?

Remember, conflict resolution is an ongoing journey. By investing in these practical, brain-friendly strategies, you’re taking real steps toward more authentic communication and healthier connections. Stick with it, be kind to yourself when you slip, and keep in mind that each disagreement can become an invitation to learn, grow, and connect more deeply with the people in your life.